March 30, 2013
xxiv.

time to come back here, i think. 

i don’t know why, exactly. the rush of feeling is gone. the highs, the lows. 

the intensity. it doesn’t  seem to carry me away anymore. or at least not as much. 

sometimes i catch a hint of that old feeling.

i’ve gotten good at identifying it. the one that makes me feel like the world is a wide open place, like i am flying. like everything and anything is possible, that i can make beauty come into this world. that i am more than, more than free. 

that the open road is before me, that life is there, and it is spinning and raucous and joyous.

why can’t that be all mine? why does it have to come with loving another person? why can’t that come from inside of me?

it’s a different sort of feeling. this being pulled outside myself, than the one that grounds me in myself. that one is darker. not so bittersweet. not so flighty. 

more earthy, more moss, dark green, after a rain, with the dirt and the damp and the trees rooting their way into the soil, and the stars wheeling overhead, and a force like blood winding its way through my veins.. 

that one is all mine. 

i just can’t help this wanting that takes me outside myself.

9:43pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxuhWmd5S
March 5, 2013
xxiii.

ahhh slow. 

it’s not so much a thinking, just more a feeling.

just a nothing has to happen /now/.

just a there is always another tomorrow, and there is a always a future 
in which to experiment, in which to bring this along.

and nothing has to be perfect all of a sudden,
and things are always growing in the direction

of the better.

(you just have to turn towards the light, and wait).

10:35am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxufaDS90
March 3, 2013
xxii.

all i have ever wanted to do is help.

and i don’t know if i can.

11:13am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxufQ3O-c
March 2, 2013
xxi.

fearless warrior of the light.

6:06pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxufMpoWK
March 1, 2013
xx.

I’ve been thinking about becoming terrifying.

I could do that. I could become so terrifyingly smart that the average person wouldn’t understand what I said, that I could feel as if I stood miles above them, looking down.

I could wield my words like weapons, I could use systems of thought to destroy others, I could build a castle in the air and never come down.

But then, where would that leave my heart? Hardened, probably.

And where would that leave my soul? Dry as a bone, probably.

I want both. All three. I don’t know if I can have them.

7:45am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxufFwtDq
February 28, 2013
xviii.

a year of magical thinking, is a book i need to read.

i feel like i’ve always felt that way about the world, about nature,
always believed a little bit in that of which you cannot speak,
in the roots of my being deep in the ground,

magic, healing, dark, heart-grounding places.

talking to birds, and living with trees, and silent woods,
and following tracks through the snow.

i don’t know what this means for living in the world,
living with people, making the world a better place.

silence, and solitude.

balance, maybe.

8:29am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxufBUUN8
February 26, 2013
xviii.

Stepping back from yourself – a strange thing.

Experiencing the emotion you are feeling, but knowing it is harmful, knowing it is making you unhappy, knowing how to deal with that – not pay it any mind, run in the forest, drink some tea.

What a strange thing, when it fades.
What a strange thing, when it comes upon you.

From some place unknown.

I thought I was myself, but maybe I am myself in two, three, four, in a waltz, dancing with a racing heart, and a knot in my stomach, wheeling around the ballroom.

9:29am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxuf2KZj0
February 25, 2013
xvii.

how do you mark a before and after, except to say, this is before, this is after? and maybe this is less than what i am making it out to be - but i want it to be more, and maybe this is how i make it that way.

by saying, this is before, and this is after.

by saying how it is that that is the case.

by saying, it is different now.

because it is.

everything and nothing.

4:17pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxue_yYmj
February 24, 2013
xvii.

time is reflection.

9:46am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxueuDK0S
February 23, 2013
xv.

still on dewey, who said that life is about fulfilling the human need for meaning, how the good life is a kind of unfolding of meaning, a growing ability for things of the world to resonate with you.

its often said that learning languages opens  up whole other worlds - people and stories that you wouldn’t have otherwise been able to understand.

i think education in general is like that - learning - the more you know, the more you have felt, the more you have thrown yourself into the world, knowing other people, the more languages - of art, of science, of literature - that you speak, the more ways you have of understanding it, the more it means.

and seeing, experiencing the world this way - having it resonate in a myriad of astonishing ways - there’s nothing to say except that i recommend it, fully.

9:05am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZPYKxueookDL
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