time to come back here, i think.
i don’t know why, exactly. the rush of feeling is gone. the highs, the lows.
the intensity. it doesn’t seem to carry me away anymore. or at least not as much.
sometimes i catch a hint of that old feeling.
i’ve gotten good at identifying it. the one that makes me feel like the world is a wide open place, like i am flying. like everything and anything is possible, that i can make beauty come into this world. that i am more than, more than free.
that the open road is before me, that life is there, and it is spinning and raucous and joyous.
why can’t that be all mine? why does it have to come with loving another person? why can’t that come from inside of me?
it’s a different sort of feeling. this being pulled outside myself, than the one that grounds me in myself. that one is darker. not so bittersweet. not so flighty.
more earthy, more moss, dark green, after a rain, with the dirt and the damp and the trees rooting their way into the soil, and the stars wheeling overhead, and a force like blood winding its way through my veins..
that one is all mine.
i just can’t help this wanting that takes me outside myself.